Small Group Leaders - Building Community

- adapted from "Getting Big Results from Small Groups," a Small Group Leaders Manual, by Dave Weidlich, D.Min.

Question: How can we get beyond cliche communication and grow deeper in our communication?

1. Model vulnerability.

It starts with getting acquainted, but we must go beyond- to deeper levels of interests, beliefs, values and feelings. The leader must value and model vulnerability. Let group members get to know the real you, first on more superficial levels, then on a deeper level. When group members see you do this, they will know it's okay for them to do the same. The great thing is--as we get to know each other better, we like each other more.

Schedule time in the group meeting for talking about yourselves, telling life stories- in the whole group or by dividing up into pairs or fours.

Ideas:
Discuss specific application from your Bible study: "What has this passage said to me? What am I going to do about it?"

Structured Experiences: (Good for the first meeting) Have each person finish these statements: "My name is.... The most exciting thing I did this summer was..."

More questions to help people tell their story: "What is your favorite place in the house and why?" "Where did you live and what were you doing when you were in 6th grade?" (deeper:) "When, if ever, did God become more than a word to you?" "Who is one person in the Bible (besides Jesus) you identify with and why?"

(At 3rd or 4th meeting) "Let's go around and have each person give a 'weather report' describing how you feel tonight." This is good to do periodically.

For more community builder ideas, check out the icebreakers in All Aboard by Serendipity House. The book Good Things Come In Small Groups, has many great community builder ideas in chapter 16.

2. Accept and enjoy diversity.

We need to not only appreciate our differences, but work with one another with those differences.

Theological Perspective:

Each one in your group is God's creation.
It is God who made us different- the spiritual gifts (Romans 12, 1 Corinthians 12)

Ideas:

Acknowledge differences: "Bob, you tend to see things as theoretical. It may be difficult for you to apply these principles to your life in a practical way."
Acknowledge strengths: Ask the group, "What does Bob add to our group?"

3. Care for individual needs.

When someone's weather report comes up "hurricanes," you better ask about it. Ask what's going on to manifest this report. That person will then be more able to tune into the Bible study.

At times, you'll have the opportunity to perform specific acts of service: meals at a time of birth, illness, death, or help with transportation, etc. Don't miss out on these opportunities.

4. Open up lines of communication.

Encourage group members to say what they're feeling as well as what they're thinking. People bring the baggage of the day with them when they come to your group. You can help them unload some of it by talking about it.

Bring the obvious out into the open. For example, if Sally is weeping, hand her a tissue and say, "Sally, it's okay to show emotion here. You don't have to explain. But if you'd like to, we'll listen." If Joe is yawning and nodding off, and it irks you, you can (kindly) say, "Joe, are you OK?" This way you give Joe the chance to say, "I'm really tired from a recent trip, I don't know what good I'll be, but I really wanted to be here."

5. Practice active listening and expect group members to do the same.

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry...
-James 1:19

How you lead your group in personal sharing will determine to a large degree the closeness your group achieves.

Community Active listening requires expectancy, interest, involvement and caring. Passive listening requires nothing from the listener; no involvement, no interest, and no response (a rock can do that).

Suggestions to aid active listening:

Listen expectantly, holding the speaker in high regard. Ask God to help you see the speaker through His eyes.
Suspend judgment initially. Hear the person out.
Wait before you respond. It's better to allow a pause than to interrupt a thought in process. The quieter a person is, the more apt we are to interrupt. Resist the temptation to jump in too soon. Encourage group members to do the same.
When you do respond, empathize with the feelings the speaker is conveying. Put yourself in his shoes. The best way to communicate this understanding is simply to restate what the person has said (reflective listening). Say, "It sounds like you're feeling..."
Be sure your understanding of the conversation is to the speaker's satisfaction.
Resist the temptation to give unsolicited advice. Even if the person asks for it, give advice reluctantly. It is better to help the person sort out the facts and come to a conclusion from self-discovered insight.
Communicate your care and concern through your body language. Assume the SOLER position:

S - Face the person Squarely
O - Maintain an Open position (vs. folded arms, crossed legs)
L - Lean toward the speaker
E - Maintain natural Eye contact
R - Remain Relatively Relaxed

After you've done the above, then speak or pray, or encourage another group member to respond.

When you do these things, the speaker will feel accepted. Plus, you will demonstrate to other group members how the speaker should be treated.

These suggestions for active listening would be good for sharing with your group. Even if you're a good listener, all it takes is one judgmental person to stifle deeper communication. Sometimes, your patience in listening may be interpreted by a group member as lack of knowledge or unwillingness to speak out for the truth. If they know why you're sitting silent, they will be less likely to butt in. If your group is going to be a safe place for deeper levels of communication, your group members will have to agree to be good listeners.

These principles are important, not only when someone is sharing a deep need, but also when someone is answering one of your study questions. Be sure to affirm each one who speaks with some acknowledgment: "Thank you for sharing" "That's an excellent insight" or "interesting viewpoint."

6. Be clear about expectations.

Spelling out expectations for group members can help avoid conflict and frustration. Do this at the beginning using the Group Covenant. Also pay attention to the less formal ways we communicate expectations. Consistently beginning on time communicates your expectation of punctuality, more so than a Group Covenant.

Group members will feel more loyalty for the goals of the group if they have a part in forming those goals. Some of the goals of your group are formed by the Small Groups program or by you ahead of time. But many goals can be fashioned by your group. For example: what will we do with children, what time will we end, who will provide refreshments if any, do we want to do things together outside of our group time? Several other questions are listed on the "Group Covenant" worksheet.

- adapted from "Getting Big Results from Small Groups," a Small Group Leaders Manual, by Dave Weidlich, D.Min.

Resources for Small Group Leaders

Building Community in Your Small Group

1. Model vulnerability.

2. Accept and enjoy diversity.

3. Care for individual needs.

4. Open up lines of communication.

5. Practice active listening and expect group members to do the same.

6. Be clear about expectations.

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